Why most Lanzarote hotel guides are lying to you (and where I actually stay)

Lanzarote is basically a giant, burnt potato floating in the Atlantic. If you go there expecting the lush, tropical greenery of Tenerife or Gran Canaria, you’re going to be miserable. It’s brown. It’s rocky. It looks like the moon if the moon had a high-speed wind problem and a lot of cheap wine. But I love it. I’ve been there 14 times in the last eight years—I actually tracked it on a spreadsheet because I’m that kind of person—and I’ve stayed everywhere from five-star resorts to weird little yurts in the middle of nowhere.

The part about the wind (and why it dictates your hotel choice)

Nobody tells you about the wind. They show you photos of calm turquoise water, but they don’t mention that the Trade Winds will literally rip the book out of your hand while you’re trying to read by the pool. If you pick a hotel on the wrong side of the island in July, you aren’t sunbathing; you’re being sandblasted. I learned this the hard way in 2016. I booked a cheap, “charming” apartment in Famara because I wanted to look like a cool surfer. I spent four days huddled inside while the wind howled through the window frames like a dying ghost. I couldn’t even open the door without it hitting me in the face. It was pathetic. I ended up crying over a lukewarm tin of sardines at 3 AM. Never again.

Anyway, if you want to actually enjoy a pool, you have to stay in the south or find a place with serious volcanic stone walls. The Palacio de Ico in Teguise is my current obsession, even though it’s nowhere near a beach. It’s an old 18th-century building and it feels real. No plastic key cards. No buffet lines. Just thick walls and peace. I might be wrong about this, but I think staying inland is actually the only way to see the “real” island without being surrounded by people wearing neon “Lanzarote 2024” t-shirts.

The big resorts are a soul-crushing trap

I’m going to say it, and I know people will disagree, but I think the Princesa Yaiza is overrated. There, I said it. People treat that place like a temple. It’s huge, it’s expensive, and it’s fine, I guess? But it feels like a high-end prison for people who are afraid of Spain. You could be in Dubai or Florida. I refuse to recommend it because it has no soul. It’s just a series of very clean hallways and kids screaming in a breakfast hall that sounds like a hangar. If you want that, go to a Marriott in New Jersey. It’s cheaper.

What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently. If you’re spending 400 euros a night, you should feel like you’re somewhere specific. You shouldn’t feel like a number on a spreadsheet. I stayed at a big chain in Playa Blanca once—I won’t name them because they’ll probably sue me—where the “heated” pool was exactly 19 degrees Celsius. I measured it with a coffee thermometer because it felt like jumping into an ice bath. When I complained, the manager told me 19 degrees is “technically heated” compared to the ocean. Absolute lie.

If the hotel pool doesn’t have a volcanic rock windbreak, you’re going to have a bad time. Trust me on this.

The three places that don’t suck

If you actually want a good experience, here is my very biased list. This isn’t some “top 10” list where I get a commission for every click. These are just the places I don’t hate.

• Hotel Fariones (Puerto del Carmen): I used to think Puerto del Carmen was just for cheap beer and bad tattoos. I was completely wrong. This hotel is the OG. It was the first one on the island and they renovated it recently. It’s expensive, but they have a private beach cove that actually blocks the wind. It’s the only place in that town worth staying in.
• Kamezí Boutique Hotel Villas: These are villas, not a standard hotel. They’re in Playa Blanca but far away from the main strip. They have private pools. Real ones. Not those tiny “plunge pools” that are basically just oversized bathtubs.
• Buenavista Lanzarote: This is in the middle of the Geria wine region. It’s basically five rooms in the middle of black volcanic ash. It’s quiet. Almost too quiet. If you’re the kind of person who needs a “kids club,” stay away. You’ll be bored out of your mind.

I stayed at Buenavista last November. It’s weird. You wake up and all you see is black dirt and vines. It looks like the end of the world. One night, I tried to drive a rented Fiat Panda through a shortcut in the Timanfaya outskirts at 11 PM. The GPS died, the road turned into a goat track, and I spent two hours reversing in total darkness because the road just… ended. I thought I was going to die in a volcano. When I finally got back to the hotel, the owner just gave me a glass of Malvasia wine and didn’t even ask why I looked like I’d seen a ghost. That’s service.

Arrecife is for people with guts

Most tourists avoid the capital, Arrecife. They think it’s ugly because it has a few high-rise buildings and actual residents who work for a living. But Arrecife Gran Hotel & Spa is actually great. It’s the only tall building on the island (César Manrique, the local artist-hero, hated tall buildings, so they stopped building them after this one). The view from the 17th floor is incredible. You can see the whole island looking like a crumpled piece of brown paper.

Is it “charming”? No. It looks like a giant glass thumb. But the spa is decent and you’re within walking distance of places where people actually speak Spanish and eat food that isn’t “English Breakfast.” I’ve spent roughly 22 nights there over various trips. The elevators are a bit slow. Whatever. It’s worth it for the view.

I’m tired of reading travel blogs that make every hotel sound like a life-changing spiritual journey. They aren’t. Most are just places to put your suitcase while you go out and get a sunburn. But if you’re going to spend the money, don’t spend it on a beige room in a resort that looks like a hospital. Get something with a bit of grit.

I honestly don’t know why people keep going to the same three resorts in Costa Teguise. Maybe they like the consistency? Maybe I’m the weird one for wanting to sleep in an old grain store or a glass tower. But Lanzarote is a weird island. It deserves a weird hotel.

Go to Teguise. Drink the wine. Avoid the buffet.